The Jolly Green Giant's Senate Testimonyby Daniel ClarkSen. John KERRY: Mister Giant, you are an obscenely wealthy man. Somewould even say you haven't legitimately earned this obscene wealth ofyours. How do you respond to those criticisms?Mr. Jolly Green GIANT: People have got a right to their opinions.KERRY: In fact, you live in a palatial mansion in the sky, isn't thatcorrect?GIANT: I have a big house at the top of the beanstalk, if that's what youmean.KERRY: Built on the backs of the little people, no doubt. We've all seenhow food prices have skyrocketed recently. This is a clear case of gougingif ever I've seen one.GIANT: I don't know what you mean by that. My products are subject tosupply and demand like anything else. I can't just decide to raise myprices in order to increase my profits, or I'll lose my customers to rivalbrands. That's how competition works.KERRY: Oh, so that's your game. Well, rest assured, you've gotten awaywith this "competition" scheme for the last time.Sen. Barack OBAMA: Mister Giant, do you really expect us to believe thatthese food prices are not artificially high?GIANT: No I don't, Senator. It's just that, to the degree that they are,it's the government that is responsible. When you pay subsidies to farmowners who leave their land unfarmed, you're doing that to reduce thesupplies of certain crops, for the explicit purpose of keeping pricesartificially high.OBAMA: That is untrue. I deny that categorically. I have never even heardof that. Furthermore, I condemn these actions of my fellow senators.Whatever they've done in the past has got nothing to do with me. I mean, Ijust got here.Sen. Joseph BIDEN: Mister Giant, I look at your inhuman figure before ushere today, with your freakish green complexion -- and I mean that in agood way -- and I wonder if you are able to relate.GIANT: Relate to whom?BIDEN: Whom? Is that what they teach you in those fancy Martian privateschools?GIANT: I'm not a Martian. I'm a green giant.BIDEN: Same difference. You zucchinis all stick together. Not that there'sanything wrong with that.Sen. Robert BYRD: My wife would always call me to the window to show methe first robin of spring, but invariably, what she would point out wasnot in fact a robin, but an oriole.BIDEN: If my friend, the distinguished gentleman from West Virginia, willyield for a question, does this oration have anything in the world to dowith the subject of rising food prices?BYRD: I suspect it inevitably will, if I may continue. Now, a Baltimoreoriole has an orange belly like a robin does, but apart from that, themarkings of the two birds are quite dissimilar.[SECTION DELETED]BYRD: . And that is how Vitamin D has come to be known as "The SunshineVitamin."GIANT: I couldn't agree more.Sen. Hillary CLINTON: Mister Giant, what would you say to Mary Lou Nascarfrom Deliverance, Mississippi, whose daughter Ellie recently died ofhookworms, because her mother was forced to choose between food andmedicine?GIANT: I find it hard to believe that the only two options a family has inits budget are to eliminate either food or medicine. Are you sure thisNascar family really exists?CLINTON: How can you be so callous to the suffering of innocent compositecharacters?GIANT: If they're in such dire financial straits, I take it you are goingto vote to extend their tax cuts.CLINTON: I'm not the one who's on trial here, Mister Giant.GIANT: Nobody is on trial here. This is a congressional inquiry, not acriminal court.CLINTON: Yes, of course. I'm getting ahead of myself. But don't worry,I'll get you, my pretty.GIANT: Pardon me, Senator?CLINTON: It's a figure of speech.Sen. Ted KENNEDY: Let's dispense with the anemones, Mister Green Jeans,and cut to the chaser. Are you now, or have you ever been, a capitalist?GIANT: Of course I am.KENNEDY: Aha! So you admit it. You've fallen into my parlor, said theeensy-weensy fly.GIANT: With all due respect, Senator, I don't think you know what you'retalking about.KENNEDY: What are you incinerating? I resign that remark. I don't have tostand for an insole like that, from the likes of Ike. You're out of order.This whole corpuscle's out of order! Raddemannenuh! Bleblabbemanamah!Aggremunnesnuh![END OF TRANSCRIPT]-- Daniel Clark is a Staff Writer for the New Media Alliance. The NewMedia Alliance is a non-profit (501c3) national coalition of writers,journalists and grass-roots media outlets.