Freedom From a Bitter Heart
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />by Steve Cornell
 
"If you could lick my heart, it would poison you." This is how one person described his bitterness toward those who hurt him. When profoundly wronged, some people double their injury by holding tightly to their anger and resentment. And, the injury is not only emotional. Anger, resentment and bitterness are now being linked to "…physiological problems, such as cardiovascular diseases, high blood pressure, hypertension, cancer, and other psychosomatic illness " Researchers are also discovering that, "forgiveness may help lead to victims' emotional and even physical healing and wholeness" (Christianity Today, 1-10-00).  
 
But where can we find strength to forgive when hurt so deeply? Let's not pretend that forgiveness is always easy. Perhaps you have been hurt badly enough that you feel it has poisoned your heart. Does it sound unrealistic when people talk about forgiving and forgetting? If forgiveness means swallowing hard and letting your offender off the hook or pretending the offense never occurred, who would chose to forgive? 
 
One reason people have difficulty with forgiveness is that they assume forgiving and reconciling are the same thing. But forgiveness does not require an offended person to immediately restore a broken relationship no matter how seriously it was damaged. In some cases, it is possible (and even the only safe option in abusive relationships) to forgive an offender without being reconciled to him. Forgiveness occurs in the context of a person's relationship with God apart from contact with her offender. This is what Jesus meant when he said, "... whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone; so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your transgressions" (Mark <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />11:25). The point is that forgiveness is one thing; reconciliation another.
 
A classic example is found in the Old Testament story of Joseph. Years after his brothers mistreated him and sold him into slavery, Joseph had risen to a powerful position in Egypt. From his position, Joseph had opportunity to confront his brothers and they said among themselves, "What if Joseph holds a grudge against us and pays us back for all the wrongs we did to him?" In fear, they came to Joseph and said that their deceased father had requested that Joseph forgive his brothers the sins and the wrongs they committed in treating him so badly. "Now please forgive the sins of the servants of the God of your father," they pleaded (Genesis 50: 17).
 
When their message came to Joseph, he wept. He told his brothers not to fear and then asked, "Am I in the place of God?" Joseph recognized a truth later summarized in the New Testament, "Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, 'It is mine to avenge, I will repay, says the Lord"' (Romans 12:19). Joseph also refused to yield ultimate control of his life to his offenders. He said, "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish the saving of many lives" (Genesis 50:20). Joseph had settled the matter of forgiveness in the context of his relationship with God long before being reunited with his brothers. This gave Joseph freedom from the bitterness that poisons the heart and destroys life. Joseph honored God as both as final judge and the one in control.
 
It helps to understand that the choice to forgive is not contingent on the confession and repentance of the one who offended us. Forgiveness is based on God's forgiveness of our sins. God expects forgiven people to forgive and reminds us that we will never forgive another human in proportion to his forgiveness of us (see: Matthew 18:23-35).
 
Yet reconciliation with an offender is another matter. Restoring a broken relationship is dependent upon an offender's acknowledgment of wrongdoing. When such an acknowledgment is made, if the relationship has been significantly violated, regaining trust and rebuilding relationship often takes time. An offender must demonstrate the sincerity of his confession by his attitudes and actions. If he resents the need for time and demonstration, it may prove that his confession was not genuine. Sometimes an offender will try to manipulate the person he offended by claiming that her hesitancy to quickly "go back to things as normal" indicates a lack of forgiveness. This offender should be informed that he is confusing forgiveness with reconciliation.
 
"Forgiveness" as one has written, "does not preclude the enforcement of healthy and natural consequences on the offender." Some people "view forgiveness as a cheap avoidance of justice, a plastering over of a wrong, a sentimental make believe. If forgiveness is a whitewashing of wrong, then it is itself wrong" (Lewis Smedes ). Restoring a broken relationship might involve such things as restitution, a period of detachment, and new boundaries for the relationship. Forgiveness allows the process of reconciliation to be restorative rather than retaliatory. But understanding it as a process distinct from forgiveness helps people forgive and frees them from a bitter heart.
 
Steve Cornell
senior pastor
Millersville Bible Church
58 West Frederick Street
Millersville, PA 17551
717-872-4260