The Pain of Indifference
J. Michael Sharman
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            A child who has been molested often is wounded in two ways: the direct wound caused by the molestation and the indirect wound caused by a lack of support from the child's family after the molestation. The pain caused by the family's indifference or rejection is often far more damaging to the child than the abuser's actions.
The pain is not one that goes away quickly. "The fundamental damage inflicted by child sexual abuse is to the child's developing capacities for trust, intimacy, agency and sexuality." Long-term problems following child sexual abuse are significantly higher for children who do not have supportive and confiding relationships with their mothers.[1]
"Sexual abuse is a tragic betrayal of trust," says Dr. Dan B. Allender, an expert on sexual abuse recovery. "[One] form of betrayal is committed by 'nonoffending' parent(s). In many cases, a parent who knows or should know about the abuse, chooses, for whatever reason, to deny or ignore the evidence."[2]
Incredibly, nearly a third of parents, about 31%, are nonsupportive of their children after a molestation. Despite proof of the abuse, they continue to believe that the abuse complaint was a lie, a misunderstanding, or the child's fault. These parents rarely support pressing charges against the molester or obtain counseling for the child.[3]
Not surprisingly, these parents are also at greater risk for having their children removed from their home.[4]
Angela from Hampton Roads, Virginia is fairly typical case. Angela's boyfriend was reported to have molested her nine-year old son.  After the molestation, Social Services drew up a safety plan with Angela which prohibited contact with the boyfriend. When she refused to follow the safety plan and continued to leave the child alone with her boyfriend, her parental rights were terminated.[5]
Melissa is another sadly common case of a mother who lost the rights to all of her children because she refused to protect them from sexual abuse.
When Melissa lived in <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Orange County, Virginia, the father of her two oldest children molested one of them. Melissa didn't get counseling for that child after the sexual assault.
Melissa then moved to Warren County where she lived with another man, Lewis, who fathered her two youngest children.
After a doctor reported that Lewis had molested at least one and possibly all of Melissa's four children, Social Services removed the children but said Melissa could regain custody of them if she would make plans to provide for their safety, particularly that she and the children not live with Lewis unless he got sexual offender treatment.  
Melissa said Lewis was "all she had"[6] and refused to stop living with him, even after he was arrested on an indecent exposure charge involving other minor girls. That's when Social Services stopped trying to work things out with Melissa and got a court order terminating her parental rights.
Recovery therapist Dr. Dan Allender, in his article "When Trust Is Lost" said,  "Safety is the glue that allows the child to connect the different pieces of reality without fear or condemnation. When trust is tragically violated, it eventually causes a child to withdraw from learning and growing and causes suspicion of all caregivers, including God."[7]
Elie Wetsel survived the abuse of Nazi Concentration camps as a child. The greatest pain, he said, is not the hurtful action of your enemy, but the indifference of those who should care  for and protect you. His conclusion was that:
The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.
The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference.
The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference.
And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.
 
            Mr. Wetsel's four powerful lines leave us with this question: Who is the greater abuser, the child molester or the mother who is indifferent to her child's abuse?
 

[1] Mullen, P.E. and Fleming, J., "Long-term Effects of Child Sexual Abuse", Issues in Child Abuse Prevention Number 9, Autumn 1998

[2] Allender, Dan B. "When Trust Is Lost",  http://www.geocities.com/Wellesley/4542/trustlst.htm

[3] De Jong, A.R., "Maternal Responses to the Sexual Abuse of Their Children" Pediatrics, 1988 Jan;81(1):14-21

[4] "Ambivalence of Nonoffending Guardians after Child Sexual Abuse Disclosure", Journal of Interpersonal Violence, Vol. 19, Issue 2, pp. 185-211 Feb. 2004
 

[5] Slade v. City of Hampton Dept. of Social Services, 06 Vap UNP 0677051 (2006)

[6] McCutcheon v. Warren County Dept. of Social Services, 04 Vap UNP 0174034 (2004)
 

[7] Allender, Dan B. "When Trust Is Lost",  http://www.geocities.com/Wellesley/4542/trustlst.htm