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By Ken Silva

 
In the satiric tradition of the Sacred Sandwich we take you back in time to the first century for our reimagined version of the Philippian jailer who awakens after a violent earthquake. As he shakes the sleep from his eyes he sees that the prisoner's chains have come off and the cell doors have sprung open. Knowing that he would be executed for allowing his prisoners to escape the jailer draws his sword to kill himself when suddenly he hears the voice of Tony Jones:
 
"Hey dude, relax," he says, "No need to get all excited. Don't worry; be happy. Everybody's still chilling out here! As a matter of fact man, we've just had a fantastic session of meditation. Tonight two among us finally reached satori; and now they are enlightened like us! It's so cool."
 
Even so, frantically calling out for the torches to light up the darkness, the jailer rushes in, tripping over the icon Brian McLaren and Tony Jones were praying before in the darkness and tumbles into a heap before them. Brushing the dirt from his face the jailer asks these Emergent leaders, "Sirs, what must I do to be saved?"
 
McLaren and Jones turn to each other and softly chuckle. Jones says to McLaren, "Um, Brian I'm thinking that you'd better handle this one I'm probably a bit too intellectual in my approach for this guy. You do remember how I'm already on the record as laying out a pretty complex understanding of why I think putting the qualifier absolute in front of truth is a first century fallacy."
 
Guru McLaren scratches his head, and as he turns to the jailer he replies, "Oh yeah buddy, I'm not going to forget that–got us locked up in the first place there Tony! So my brother, in answer to your question let me first pose this particular query to you. It's a bit difficult to do because I don't have my power point materials here, but what is it you think you must do? The first thing you must consider this: Is there something to actually be saved from?"
 
"And this is yet a whole other question, is it not dear one? Let us contemplate upon where you got the idea that you need to be saved in the first place. For you see, this might have actually come from God, but we do not presume to know with certainty. So it could, or rather, perhaps it does all depend upon your own perspective? Now do you begin to understand? We could wonder, if you were saved already, then why would you even need to ask such a fruitless question? For in your culture 'god' can actually mean many things, and our brother the Very Reverend Alan Jones tells us that together as shattered pieces of the Whole we must search for the answer to the great mystery of the Sacred."
 
"And yet somehow we still ask; can someone be saved–as far as we might understand that term–until he knows what it is he that might be saved from? Now, there are the more conservative among us, like that rascal John MacArthur, who would dare to possibly think that Christ would be the Savior of all men. O but is that all there really is to this word we use; this 'Gospel' so-called? I'm sure this is possibly an aspect of it, though I am sure I might be wrong. However, I must ask you, what really is the point of the Gospel anyway? For I have recently discovered that thus far the Church of those who are followers of Jesus have never really understood His secret message that the kingdom is already here and in us."
 
"So, my friend if you wish to join us in our Contemplative/Centering Prayer you are more than welcome to, or not. For this you alone must decide. If you do want to join us just pull up a piece of dirt next to me there my brother and right along with us you can practice the presence of whatever god you are sincerely worshipping in your particular faith tradition. It really doesn't matter anyway because your question, 'What must I do to be saved,' has no actual meaning as together we become one with the Creation itself, which is in God."
 
To which Tony Jones nods his head, smiles and adds, "Why would we need to be saved from that which, in uncertain truth, we really are, unless somehow we do not realize that we are already? You see? So now, surely you finally understand. Fellow sojourner, what you have just asked is really a question with no philosophical basis in this reality of non-reality. That is of course, unless you might happen to think it does. But that is for another day!" Both Jones and McLaren laugh.Can't you just see that this jailer would likely go away scratching his head saying, "You know, I don't know that I can say I've ever heard jell-o actually talk before."