Announcing a New Denomination!<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
 
I think it's time for a New Christian Denomination in <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />America and I hereby announce today the birth of the Ellipsipalians.  Be the first to start a local church!  Now, I suppose you want to know how this Ellipsipalian epiphany occurred.  Glad you asked!
 
I came across the web site of the United Church of Christ recently and was intrigued by their new PR campaign.  It's all built on a comma.  That's right, the tiny little punctuation mark.  It seems that the denomination is dying - as are most of the main-line Christian denominations.  Evidently, the denominational leaders had a pow-wow to try and determine what could turn the ship around.  I would have hoped that they would have realized that their decline in membership is directly proportionate to their turn towards Liberal Doctrine.   The farther they depart from the clear teaching of scripture, the farther they decline in membership.  Instead of turning to scripture, however, they turned that great theologian of the past – Gracie Allen.  That's right - as in George Burns and Gracie Allen!  They came across a quote that Gracie once made that said, "Never place a period, where God has placed a comma."   An ad campaign is born!!  The whole gist of the campaign is that you can't trust what the Bible says, because "God is still speaking".  In other words – all that stuff about homosexuality being sin doesn't work anymore – because God didn't place a period at the end of the Bible – he placed a comma.  He evidently has changed His mind about a whole lot of issues – according to the United Church of Christ.  Think of it – a simple punctuation mark saving an entire denomination!!
 
Jason Whitt, the producer of my radio program and I were talking about this when suddenly Jason had an idea!  You could save a denomination with a punctuation mark – why couldn't you found one on the same basis.   That's when the simple ellipsis sprang to our minds!   You know those three simple little dots that you insert when you want to omit something.    You say a few words and then …   Whatever you want to omit you replace with the ever powerful dots!   Thus, the Ellipsipalians were born!!  An entire denomination based on the Ellipsis.  Whatever you don't like from the Bible you simply replace with the dots!  
 
If you don't agree with the Bible on homosexuality – no problem…   If you think God is too harsh on sin – no problem…  Uncomfortable with the Bible message on adultery – just replace with the dots!   Just three dots placed strategically and you have a God to your liking.  With the Ellipsipalians – it's all about omitting whatever you or others consider to be offensive.  It's all about the dots! 
 
Now that we have the basis for the denomination – we need a catchy slogan like Gracie Allen's.  I began thinking of the famous quotes that I have read and heard when I received another epiphany.  I remember well when all three of my children were teenagers they had a saying that summarized that whole teenage experience.  They simply uttered, "Whatever".  It fit everything, every circumstance.  So, that will be our slogan – WHATEVER.  Simple, expressive – whatever!   So, when someone asks you, as an Ellipsipalian, what you believe on any doctrinal issue – your answer will be the same, "whatever".  It's a thing of beauty.
 
Oh, and then there is the Ellipsipalian Bible.  You'll love this!!  The old outdated Bible begins with "In the beginning God…"  And ends with "The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all.  Amen"   Well, that beginning is problematic.  Beginning implies creation – definitely offensive to some.  Of course, God is offensive to many – so the Ellipsipalian Bible will begin with "In the" and then we add – yes, the dots!!  Everything between there and the Book of Revelation offends someone – so, it's all gone!  Now, to the end – certainly "grace", "Lord", "Jesus" – all offensive.  But, that's the beauty of the dots!!!!   Just omit those offensive words!   In the end, the entire Ellipsipalian Bible reads like this, "In the…you all.  Amen"   That's the entire Bible.  Think about how easy that will be to memorize!  Everyone can understand, no one is offended because all the offensive stuff has been replace with – that's right – the dots!!! 
 
With some Liberal churches, it's all about inclusion.  With the Ellipsipalians – it's all about omission!  It's all about the dots.
 
To start your local chapter of the Ellipsipalians simply log in to our web site www.whatever.dot.dot.dot  
 
If you were offended by anything in this piece – whatever!